1. |
always scared
02:25
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I'm scared of driving at night, loud sounds, bright lights
got a hair trigger on my fight or flight
Don't get to close to me I might explode
I paint my face a label
it reads handle with care
Cause if I'm not freaking out then there's a good chance that I'm getting there
And I'm so fucking tired of always being scared
People love to tell me hey it's all in your head
as if that makes it better
I wish it were real instead
if these monsters were in front of me perhaps i could see them slain
As it is I suffer silently at the whims of my self destructing brain
I paint my face a label it reads handle with care
Cause if I'm not freaking out then there's a good chance that I'm getting there
And I'm so fucking tired of always being scared
My train of thought sells only one way tickets
I want off this ride
I find myself tied to the tracks or playing chicken with my own mind
It's a real time horror movie taking place inside my head
Featuring the unlikely demise of me and everyone I've loved or even met
and I paint my face a label it reads handle with care
Cause if I'm not freaking out yet there's a good chance that I'm getting there
i’m just fucking tired of always being scared
i’m always scared
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2. |
back on my bullshit
02:03
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promised myself for the 100th time
a wake up rested healthy breakfast morning but i'm
falling back asleep
'cause i'm stronger in my dreams
i got a brand new journal pages empty and lined
and i'll fill it up with lists of how ill be spending my time
when i deserve to feel better
i mean get my shit together
i i i i'm back on my bullshit
back on my bullshit
back on my bullshit
suckin' on the bit and chewin' on the bullet
i'm back on my bullshit
back on my bullshit
i won't need all this caffeine once i hit my stride
no i'll be sleepin' sound and dreamin' sweet every night
a little yoga every evening
should cure me of the feeling
that there's a version of me out there somewhere
wearin' an extra small matching bra and underwear
and i spent years tryin' to see her
past this dumb bitch in the mirror
i i i i'm back on my bullshit
back on my bullshit
back on my bullshit
suckin' on the bit and chewin' on the bullet
i'm back on my bullshit
back on my bullshit
i i i i'm back on my bullshit
back on my bullshit
back on my bullshit
suckin' on the bit and chewin' on the bullet
i'm back on my bullshit
back on my bullshit
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3. |
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everything i like to do, i do better on drugs
moderation still eludes me
i'm just searching for enough
and i'm not sure what a normal state feels like anymore
i'm always coming up or crashing down both prices i've paid for
getting better
getting fixed
i'm medicated or i feel like shit
is this better?
am i cured?
thought i'd feel stronger but i'm just sore
everything i love to do, i've started to do more
my laundry is always folded and i cry less in the store
maybe i'm just nostalgic for my symptoms because
i built them into my identity for so long but its just
i'm not sure what's better
but i don't feel fixed
i guess it's naive to get pharmaceuticals and expect true loves kiss
but i wanna be better
i wanna be cured
and i don't wanna fight with my brain anymore
i wanna be better
i wanna be cured
i don't wanna fight with my brain anymore
guess im worried that the same parts of my mind
that make me an artist are also chains that bind me
to my anxieties and my dark ideations
if i'm not in pain then what do i create with?
and i wanna be better, but maybe i don't need to be fixed
what if broken was a strong word
and i'm really not that sick
'cause i feel a bit better
if far from cured
i can't organize these feelings when i'm always getting more
i wanna be better
i wanna be cured
and i don't wanna fight with my brain anymore
i wanna be better
i'm gonna do better
i've gotta get better
i wanna be better
but everything i like to do, i do better on drugs
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4. |
heart/stone
02:01
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she's talking in inches now
waiting for the sun to go down
and its 19 years of straight no chaser
nightmares waiting to embrace her
chasing their tails in her head
all i want is to love her like she needs to be loved
but no matter what i give her it's never enough
'cause my heart shies away from her stone
oh my heart shies away from her stone
she's sending me pictures now
of boys with her feathers in their mouths
and it's smoke like blood underwater
daddy's girl but no-one's daughter
time is not all that's on your hands
all i want is to love her like she needs to be loved
but no matter what i give her it's never enough
'cause my heart shies away from her stone
oh my heart shies away from her stone
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5. |
i want you to change
02:40
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you write these poems for me
and you swear that you adore me
say you're in love
but it's just not enough
'cause you spread yourself so thin
lots of butter, lots of biscuits
and i've never been good at sharing
i want you to change
and i know it's such a shame
but i don't care if you're happy just as long as you are with me
oh, i want you to change
this polyamory, wish i was what you want me to be
but i'm not so i'm sitting here alone
my skin is so thin
and i'm scared of being hurt again
i need a rock
and you're a rolling stone
i want you to change
and i know it's such a shame
but i don't care if you're happy just as long as you are with me
oh, i want you to change
you're no stranger to the upper hand
and god knows we've both got equally selfish plans
but if we're being honest
this is where i stand
i want you to change
and i know it's such a shame
but i don't care if you're happy just as long as you are with me
oh, i want you to change
i want you to change
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6. |
oh december
02:06
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november breathes down my neck
december screams you ain't seen nothin yet
oh i don't know why but i
always fall a little harder
around this time
oh november can you hear me?
this time around you're gonna fear me
i've got the warmest heart
lots of fires to start
oh december can you hear me?
this season takes nothing but prisoners
hearts locked away
shorter days
no visitors
oh i don't know why
but when leaves start falling, so do i
oh november better get ready
'cause this year my hand is steady
i'll be my own light
don't gotta fear the night no more
oh december can you hear me?
when winter attacks
you bite the frost back
oh december can you hear me?
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7. |
high horse
02:01
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i don't know who you think you are so ima tell you
and i don't know where you get off but i'm about to
start breaking legs on this high horse
i hope your next 'genuine connection' is with a blunt and foreign object
you're a wolf crying boy
you're a vacuum of joy
you're a little man gone unchecked
i don't know who you think you are so ima tell you
and i don't know where you get off but i'm about to
start breaking legs on this high horse
i don't know who you think you are so ima tell you
i don't know who you think you are but i sure as hell do
i don't know who you think you are so ima tell you
and i don't know where you get off but i'm about to
start breaking legs on this high horse
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8. |
yearsNyears
03:07
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my resting heart rates in triple digits
the sun went down and my hopes went with it
i'm not having fun
i plan my day around medication
a rollercoaster of stimulation
i'm not the only one
i left my journal out in the rain
hoping the storm would somehow wash away
all those stupid repetitive entries, i've been writing for what feels like centuries
like years and years and years
and years and years
and years and years
i'll get out of bed and charge my fitbit
'cause this time i swear it's different
i'm not giving up
i've got plans for re-arranging
every part of me is changing
but not fast enough
if i left this body out in the rain
do you think the storm might somehow wash away
all of this extra weight
red face
fine lines
that i've spent so much time hating
like years
and years and years and years
every ocean is full of garbage
everyone i know is starving
for some type of care
all my friends are missing pieces
we're all sad with no good reasons
i know it isn't fair
if i left the whole world out in the rain
you think the storm might somehow wash away
all of the tears and the crying
all the grief and the dying
at the very least get struck by lightning
anything to keep us fighting
for the next few years
and years and years
and years and years
years and years
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9. |
it's rly fine
01:48
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Kid Pixie New Orleans, Louisiana
Kid Pixie is the solo project of Ksenia Thorn.
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